In my head

I had one of THOSE runs yesterday.  You know, the one where you don't feel like going but you drag yourself into your workout clothes and force yourself to do it even though you don't feel like it?  Many times those end up being fantastic days, you push yourself and then out of nowhere comes this energy and fire and you finish feeling like this was exactly what you needed. 

Yesterday was NOT one of those days.  I was still sore from Monday's 3 mile run but unsure of what kind of sore I was.  This is where I'm not sure how to get out of my head and it just spirals into self doubt.

I used to not be in my head about this at all.  They say that running is mostly mental, you can go much farther than you think.  Not me.  My head is all there and ready, I can push and push and still want more...my body, not so much.  I will push and my body breaks down and then I'm stuck nursing an injury for months.  So here I am, in my head because I'm terrified of being injured now.  Any ache or pain I worry.  I worry if it's the beginning of an injury, if I'm pushing too hard, if I should go slower, train less, rest more. 

The problem with that is that I've gotten to where I'm so afraid of any kind of injury that I think I'm holding myself back.  Three miles seems to be some sort of mental AND physical barrier.  I've done 4 miles a few times and ended up injured right afterwards.  How will I ever get to 13.1 if I cannot push myself without injury?

So yesterday, when I really wanted to just get on that treadmill and run my heart out, I didn't.  I did the elliptical for 20 minutes and then got on a bike.  My knee was achy and I just sat there going back and forth about whether I should or shouldn't be biking, should I just stop and not workout? What was this knee ache? Was I just sore from my run on Monday? Was the soreness in my feet just soreness or PF coming back?  ALL in my head and I never did get out.  There was no clarity when I got on the treadmill to do a short run/walk to stretch my muscles either. 

I walked/ran a bit, then I stopped.  I sat on the floor and stretched, I got back on the treadmill and walked slow.  Ran a bit more, took my SHOES OFF and thought I would strengthen my feet a bit with a little walk/run in no shoes.  This went on and on.  Of course, Dallas was on the treadmill next to me the WHOLE time I was doing this.  His body hasn't betrayed him the way mine has and he just made the decision to slow it down and go farther yesterday...and just did.  I think he did about 5 miles while I waffled back and forth on what I should be doing and whether aching was the same as pain. 

This has been rolling around in my head for days, it's really why I started the blog, I thought typing it out might help me find clarity.  Dallas said to me "If you are afraid all the time of injury and never push yourself, then you won't ever get any farther." and he's right, but it feels like a constant battle with my head and the fear of being injured and set back for months that I cannot seem to ignore. 

My feet are sore this morning, even after what seemed like a horrible workout yesterday.  It's not the same pain that I felt with my PF, but my brain doesn't register that.  My brain says that pain will lead to more pain and I'm unsure if I should slow down more or speed up.  I keep waiting for the answer to come to me but until it does, I'll just keep runnin'.