Thursday, May 23, 2013

On the Road Again...


A bit of background.  Rey and I have been together for 22 years.  17 years ago, when we had just begun our family and the boys were 1 & 2, Rey became a truck driver.  It was a hard time for us, we were struggling financially and Rey had been a printer previously and could not find work, so truck driving just sort of happened.  It was hard.  I remember feeling like our lives were just on hold until Daddy got home.  He was gone for 2-4 weeks, depending on the company, and luckily we were living in St. Louis and I had my mom, dad, and one of my sisters living there as well because it was a lonely time for me.

Fast forward 16 years and we had moved, our family had grown by a girl, and we all had adjusted pretty well.  Rey would come home every 3 weeks or so and we would all spend our 3-4 days together having b-bques, playing board games, and soaking up as much time with him before he would leave again.  I even felt like it was beneficial to our relationship after so many years...I still got excited to see him when he was coming home, it was the highlight of my month!

Last June Rey was lifting some ramps and ruptured two discs in his back (I'm sorry this is getting long, but you are a gem for continuing to read!) He came home and has been home for 11 months rehabbing.  Lots of Doctor appointments, physical therapy and work conditioning, but for the most part he was here 24/7.  I thought I would tire of it, but I LOVED.IT.  After sixteen years of him being gone, I felt like we were making up for lost time.

And then, like a flash, he was better and 11 months was gone.  Last Thursday the Doctor gave him a work release and yesterday they had a truck and within hours I had to take him to St. Louis to get it.  It was like a slap in the face even though I knew it was coming.

We headed in, I had to stop for Starbucks, naturally.  I have a slight obsession with it, but you would too if you had to drive 100 miles to get it!  Yep, I had already cried half the drive in and you can tell.

I had to laugh at this, Savannah and I both "documenting" our Starbucks.  I'm a blogger now, I have to take a picture of every single thing, right? ;)
 

The place we were supposed to get the truck was downtown, and we arrived to no one there.  We thought it looked pretty desolate for being smack dab in the middle of downtown St. Louis. Actually, it wasn't downtown, it was right on the other side of the bridge, in Illinois.

I'll spare you the details, but we ended up having to wait quite a while.  Nothing like dragging it out and making it hurt more.   Waiting for the truck to be ready, Savannah & I decided to walk down and get a picture of the arch.  It was just down that deserted road past the trees.  Well, kinda.  Can you see it?  LOL
 
 It doesn't look very big from the other side of the river.  I can't tell you how many times I've been up in the arch growing up...but I digress.  This post is long enough, I don't need to ramble about that too!

Finally the truck was ready and it was time to load up his stuff and say our goodbyes.  I was a wreck.  At least he got a nice fairly new truck, that made me feel better. It's bad enough when I think of him living in that small space, I don't want it to be a crappy small space too.



I didn't really mean for this to get so long, sorry.  

I cried nearly the whole way home, I'm not sure how I didn't wreck the car.  Dylan and Savannah kept me company and I had to keep changing the radio when sad songs came on.  Do you know how many sad songs they play on the radio?  

Having all those years away from each other made me fiercely independent and strong.  Maybe too much.  I kind of felt like I had a wall up and was guarded because I didn't want to feel the pain every time he left.  That wall has crumbled in the last eleven months and it hurts.  The house seems empty and quiet.  People keep telling me that I'll adjust again, I'll get used to it again.  But you know what?  I don't want to.  I don't want to get used to being alone and without him.  I don't want to be guarded again.  So here I sit feeling it all and for now, I'm ok with that because I'm not sure I ever want to go back to being ok with him being gone.  

Since this is a running blog, I guess I should mention that the knee/leg issue is better.  Not totally, but enough that I think I can run this morning, and I NEED to run.  It's the only thing at this point that I know will make me feel better. 




24 comments:

  1. You're a good writer, Karen. Brought tears to my eyes. I love the love between you two.

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  2. I'm so sorry that you're hurting! I hope you get back to running soon to help cope with your emotions! It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your children as well and I hope that they can help fill some of the void while your man is away.

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    1. Thanks Rachel! I did go for a run and feeling a bit better. My kids help a great deal and I'm very close to them. :)

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  3. I'm so sorry Karen, that must be so hard... *sending hugs and happy thoughts your way*

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  4. Awww...((hugs)) I'm SO sorry I can't even imagine how hard this is for you! Running definitely helps when I'm in a down mood. Hope things look up soon!

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    1. It definitely helped! I ran 4 miles and I'm feeling much better and got to talk to Rey this morning as well.

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  5. I'm sorry Karen. Heartbreaking to read that post. I hope the sun shines through soon for you. I hope running helps you too! Not much more I can say... hang in there.....

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    1. Thanks Nicole, I ran 4 miles and I'm feeling better. Hearing his voice on the phone helped too.

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  6. *hugs* There are few couples who can handle being apart for so long; you two definitely have a very special bond. I hope running helps the hurting subside.

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    1. Thanks Kim! It does seem to make our relationship even stronger. Running helped this morning! :)

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  7. Oh sweetie. Things have changed and you will not have the same defenses anymore; the ability to build that wall and keep yourself protected. That coping mechanism is no longer available and you will have to find a new way to cope. Things will get better and this will now force you to evaluate what is important in life and possibly even make changes.

    I'm so glad to hear you ran this morning and your knee/leg issue is getting better. I know when I can't figure things out in my head, a run makes it feel better. If anything, I can shut my brain off and listen to my feet on the ground and the breaths that I take. It's my meditation and when I have my best realizations. I'm here for you sweetie, let me know if you ever want to talk, vent or cry. My eyes and ears are always open to you. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you so much Lena! <3 You are right, I cannot use that as a way to cope anymore and I'm glad! I feel so lucky to have had this time with him, I mean, who gets 11 months 24/7 with their husband to just spend together? It was so fabulous and made our relationship even better. I think I just have to hold onto that. I know how to be alone and be independent, but now I know how to let that go and enjoy every second with him. I hope I can find a balance when he comes home and not push him away b/c I'm worried I will hurt when he leaves!

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  8. Glad to hear your knee injury is getting better! Hope you were able to enjoy a good run today!!!

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    1. Thanks Kristy! I did! 4 nice comfy miles and no pain!

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  9. So sorry to hear that you are hurting. You've done it once, you will get back to that place again...
    Now, go blow off some steam with a nice bike ride or run... the seratonin will be good for you.

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    1. Thanks Amy! I ran and felt much better the rest of the day!

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  10. Oh, I'm so behind. I didn't even know about your knee. Very happy it's getting better. I'm sorry you're struggling and missing but the wonder of this world is loved ones teach us so much about ourselves and intimacy and all. I know no relationship is perfect and I'm sure Rey and yours isn't but it's miles ahead of many I know Karen. Please hold onto that.

    Plus, thank God for technology. This is a ramble coming but I've been thinking about this lately and your post reminded me. When I lived in Japan it was snail mail only. No computers. No email. Phone was outrageous so was only used for emotional necessities (winking and laughing). Thank God for technology for those abroad and those away from home for extended periods.

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    1. Oh yes! When he first started years ago, he would have to stop and call me from a pay phone! If I wasn't there to answer, I missed him, so I was glued to the phone and panicked every time it rang. Thank goodness for unlimited minutes on cell phones now!

      The knee/leg thing wasn't a big injury or anything, just a little twinge for a few days. I'm overparanoid about any pain, so I freak a little when anything hurts, even just a bit!

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  11. Oh and the line about "since this is a running blog...." made me laugh and smile!!

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    1. Well, you know me! I have a tendency to just ramble about everything and anything!

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  12. You are amazing, stop apologizing! I'm sorry he's gone :( but you have an amazing man. <3 "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" at least that is what Lady Cluck says in Robin Hood....
    I wish I could give you a hug.... It won't get better but it will get easier. And then you'll be able to count down the days till he's back.

    I'll be thinking of you!!

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    1. Thank you so much Meg! <3 You are so sweet!

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