I'm sorry I have been scarce, I'm slammed with work because of the 4th of July weekend, lots of clients out of town and people's furry kids to play with! How could you resist this face?!?!?
These pups LOVE Savannah, especially when she has treats.
I've been sitting on this post for a while and I don't usually do that. I usually just vomit whatever words are in my head, all over the page and I'm done. Lately I have been running through the past in my head while I'm out doing my run. I wrote a little about this and the memory I had of a book I read and wanting to run (to lose weight) in my post Getting Personal a while back. This seems to be some sort of healing process I'm going through...I guess running really is like therapy! In any case, you get to read all about it as I psychoanalyze myself. ;)
I think part of it also has to do with the 80s music I've had on Pandora while running lately. Songs I haven't heard in a long time keep popping up and reminding me of who I used to be and who I am now. My BFF actually just blogged about something similar on her blog about finding freedom in yourself . I happened to be thinking about this very thing...it's funny how we do that, we always find ourselves saying "ME TOO!" (those are our nicknames for each other)
When I was reading it, this paragraph stuck out as exactly what I couldn't seem to put into words.
"There’s no symbolic, grand moment of walking into the sun when liberating yourself from a self imposed prison. It happens gradually, without much notice until one day you look around and realize that only a few shackles remain. This small moment is bittersweet as you wonder who that person was from so long ago. The one walking around in your body. The one whose memories are still rattling around in your head."
This is how I feel. WHO was that person?? I know she was me, but I think lately I'm in awe of just how far I have come. In order to not write a whole book, I have to condense this a bit. When I was a teen, I was in a group for teens. It's where I met Rey and I consider that the only good thing that ever happened in the group. Just think of it as a cult b/c that's basically what it was...masked in the name of being "healthy" and good for teens. Well, I don't know about you, but being an overweight teen and being given the name BUBBA doesn't sound very healthy to me, what do you think? Yep. They called me Bubba. One of the "counselors" came up with it. I put that in quotes b/c you didn't need much to be a counselor and these were 20 year old kids, with no formal training. I think I was 18 here.
I was miserable and who wouldn't be when your nickname was Bubba?? I was in a group that was supposed to be about love and acceptance, but still my FAT was what defined me, not just for everyone else, but for myself. Especially for myself. This isn't really about them or what they called me, it's about me and looking back to see myself and it feels like another person completely.
Lately as I'm running, I think about my life and how different it is from what this girl at 18 was experiencing. I also think about why she didn't stand up for herself. What caused me to allow such treatment? I don't know, but looking back, I'm blown away by the person I am now and the life I live. I'm so very blessed with an amazing husband, fabulous children, a thriving business, friends and so much bliss. I think what I feel is regret for this girl. I regret allowing myself to be treated the way I was. I regret wasted time and years on not loving myself the way I do now.
Regret is an interesting emotion, however. I know that what I experienced in my life has brought me to where I am now. I know I may not have found this place had I not gone through what I did, so it makes it all the more confusing to wish you hadn't experience things when they possibly brought you to where you are!
I don't look back often because I'm not sure it's really helpful in the end. (and who really has time when they are enjoying their current life?) I thought about going back and "showing them!" but in the end what exactly does that change or prove? It was never about them anyway, it was about me. Forgiving myself for not standing up, for not making different choices. Acknowledge that I made the choices that I did and they are done. I'm not that girl anymore, I'm not really a girl at all anymore and if it took 40 years to figure it out, then so be it. What matters is who I am now and that I live each moment and enjoy it, which is exactly what I'm doing!
I appreciate you allowing me to ramble, it really is quite amazing the things that pop into my head while running. I think I'm just so very proud of myself and realized how very foreign that feeling was to me when I was 18.
What about you? Do you feel like a completely different person from when you were younger? Has running helped you work though anything from the past?
Beautifully written post. I agree that regret is such a strong emotion, but I truly believe that your past makes you who you are today. I know I wouldn't appreciate how far I have come today if things were different in the past. Personally, I think I've changed a lot and gained more self confidence, mostly through my husband, but through running as well. He's always been there to urge me to try the unknown and not be afraid of it. Running has taught me to believe that the "unachievable" IS possible. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, just the unachievable feeling has changed me in ways I never thought it would. When you realize you can do things you didn't think you could before, it changes your whole perspective!
DeleteGreat post! I agree with you, you got the most important part of it all, living in the moment and enjoying life while doing so!
ReplyDeleteCute puppies, by the way! Sounds way busy, but also a ton of fun at the same time!
DeleteThanks Karen, I try to really live right in the here and now as often as possible because I think it's the best way to really enjoy your life with no regrets!
DeleteI'm still very, very young, but I feel like I have come a long way since high school. It's crazy now to have the body confidence that I have an to be an inspiration to the young women I work with. Even two years ago I never would have thought that I would be this confident young woman that I am today. Great post!
ReplyDeleteIt's so cool how things can change, isn't it?!! Thanks Rachel!
DeleteSo, my friend. Do you feel better because you run or do you run because you feel better about yourself? I don't think the answer matters. You've become aware of your own value and that's a very good thing.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, the chicken or the egg?! Not sure, but you're right, doesn't seem to matter! :)
DeleteWell, of course I love this (duh, you talked about moi, lol). But beyond that I just love what you have to say here.
ReplyDeleteI agree about regret. It's tricky and I always say I don't believe in it... but there are still things that when I think about them too much I do feel regret. Mostly things I did that could have/did hurt other people simply because I was hurting myself. Intellectually I know I am this person today because of my journey but I don't always feel it.
Love you, my friend and love this post! <3
metwo
Thanks metwo! <3
DeleteWhat a thoughtful post. I consistently say that running has helped me rediscover myself separate from the mom, wife, employee that I had slipped into over time. Losing weight and getting stronger has helped but there is more to it. I think that setting a big goal and putting in the hard work week after week to reach that goal has let me redefine myself as an athlete and that has made a huge difference in how I view myself. Thanks for such a though provoking post. I love and respect the honesty of your writing!
ReplyDeleteYes! It has helped me find inner self! Thanks April.
DeleteI do feel like a completely different person. I was never really active besides horseback riding and now I can't imagine my week without activity thrown in. Sure, I still love to sit down and read but I also love a good long and slow run!
ReplyDeleteYep, totally different here. It's funny, though, because people who don't know me very well think I'm still the same. It's a great way to know who's really involved in your life. ;)
ReplyDeleteLiking myself has never really been an issue, so I guess my changes have been in other, more subtle ways. Probably centered around parenting, since that's where esteem has lacked the most. Oh, and running hasn't really helped with that...unless it's doing so by osmosis from watching/reading about your running!
Yes, osmosis! ;) I think the same can be said for parenting, we grow as we parent and change so much!
DeleteGreat post. . .you go girl!!! But yes, I do look back sometimes and think "why didn't I do this, why didn't I say that, why didn't I make a better/different choice?" the answer is, that if I did do something differently back then, then I may not be where I am today---and I love where I am today, as I know you do to. No, life isn't perfect, but I can't imagine myself without my kids and family!!! So all we can do is move forward and continue to make the best choices for ourselves, our lives and our families.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sharon!! It's true, I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't experienced what I have, so most of the time I'm pretty grateful for my choices!
DeleteGreat post.. I found your blog via Road Runner Girl's runner spotlight! Great blog post and I don't like to look back I was picked on and made fun of and told I was fat... I was the right size but all the girls in my grade was size 0 but I felt that I was fat and well it still haunts me to this day and I struggle.
ReplyDeleteIt is crazy how things come to us while running working out or when we hear a song that takes us back to our teens!
Welcome Shelley! I'm glad you found me. I always tease my kids that when they get older their kids are going to make fun of them when they are listening to "current music" and remembering things from the past! They seem to think their music will stay popular forever. LOL
DeleteI love this post because 1) It is beautifully written, and 2) I really think it applies to just about everybody out there in some way, shape, or form.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to regret things, but never dwell on them, because you are SO right, these things that you 'regret' have helped you become who you are today! Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I never had to work hard for the weight that I've lost and the confidence I've earned. Would I be one of those people who went through life blindly thinking they are more awesome than everyone else, or maybe I would have only thought myself as a mediocre person who didn't have any drive?
The fact that I have worked hard for what I want allows me to feel overwhelmed with joy, and yet exercise my humility. I am proud of myself but I will never allow myself to think I am above others. Ever. I am so grateful in how my life worked out, even in the hardships, and cannot wait to see what happens in the years to come!
Thank you so much Lauren! <3
DeleteWhat you don't understand and didn't acknowledge Karen is that what you discovered - where you've taken yourself KAREN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN SOME HUMAN'S ENTIRE LIFETIME!!!! It doesn't. Trust me. There are seventy years olds that are stuck at 16. Forty years old stuck at 12. So when you look back at what you took, where you've been, and where you are. HIGH EFFIN' FIVE HER! Because she's not the woman who took crap. She's the woman who was strong enough to become you. She's the hero. So stop looking at her any other way. LOVE SENT.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome. I swear, you never cease to make me feel EVER BETTER about myself. Love right back to ya Lisa. <3
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