I'm sorry I have been scarce, I'm slammed with work because of the 4th of July weekend, lots of clients out of town and people's furry kids to play with! How could you resist this face?!?!?
These pups LOVE Savannah, especially when she has treats.
I've been sitting on this post for a while and I don't usually do that. I usually just vomit whatever words are in my head, all over the page and I'm done. Lately I have been running through the past in my head while I'm out doing my run. I wrote a little about this and the memory I had of a book I read and wanting to run (to lose weight) in my post Getting Personal a while back. This seems to be some sort of healing process I'm going through...I guess running really is like therapy! In any case, you get to read all about it as I psychoanalyze myself. ;)
I think part of it also has to do with the 80s music I've had on Pandora while running lately. Songs I haven't heard in a long time keep popping up and reminding me of who I used to be and who I am now. My BFF actually just blogged about something similar on her blog about finding freedom in yourself . I happened to be thinking about this very thing...it's funny how we do that, we always find ourselves saying "ME TOO!" (those are our nicknames for each other)
When I was reading it, this paragraph stuck out as exactly what I couldn't seem to put into words.
"There’s no symbolic, grand moment of walking into the sun when liberating yourself from a self imposed prison. It happens gradually, without much notice until one day you look around and realize that only a few shackles remain. This small moment is bittersweet as you wonder who that person was from so long ago. The one walking around in your body. The one whose memories are still rattling around in your head."
This is how I feel. WHO was that person?? I know she was me, but I think lately I'm in awe of just how far I have come. In order to not write a whole book, I have to condense this a bit. When I was a teen, I was in a group for teens. It's where I met Rey and I consider that the only good thing that ever happened in the group. Just think of it as a cult b/c that's basically what it was...masked in the name of being "healthy" and good for teens. Well, I don't know about you, but being an overweight teen and being given the name BUBBA doesn't sound very healthy to me, what do you think? Yep. They called me Bubba. One of the "counselors" came up with it. I put that in quotes b/c you didn't need much to be a counselor and these were 20 year old kids, with no formal training. I think I was 18 here.
I was miserable and who wouldn't be when your nickname was Bubba?? I was in a group that was supposed to be about love and acceptance, but still my FAT was what defined me, not just for everyone else, but for myself. Especially for myself. This isn't really about them or what they called me, it's about me and looking back to see myself and it feels like another person completely.
Lately as I'm running, I think about my life and how different it is from what this girl at 18 was experiencing. I also think about why she didn't stand up for herself. What caused me to allow such treatment? I don't know, but looking back, I'm blown away by the person I am now and the life I live. I'm so very blessed with an amazing husband, fabulous children, a thriving business, friends and so much bliss. I think what I feel is regret for this girl. I regret allowing myself to be treated the way I was. I regret wasted time and years on not loving myself the way I do now.
Regret is an interesting emotion, however. I know that what I experienced in my life has brought me to where I am now. I know I may not have found this place had I not gone through what I did, so it makes it all the more confusing to wish you hadn't experience things when they possibly brought you to where you are!
I don't look back often because I'm not sure it's really helpful in the end. (and who really has time when they are enjoying their current life?) I thought about going back and "showing them!" but in the end what exactly does that change or prove? It was never about them anyway, it was about me. Forgiving myself for not standing up, for not making different choices. Acknowledge that I made the choices that I did and they are done. I'm not that girl anymore, I'm not really a girl at all anymore and if it took 40 years to figure it out, then so be it. What matters is who I am now and that I live each moment and enjoy it, which is exactly what I'm doing!
I appreciate you allowing me to ramble, it really is quite amazing the things that pop into my head while running. I think I'm just so very proud of myself and realized how very foreign that feeling was to me when I was 18.
What about you? Do you feel like a completely different person from when you were younger? Has running helped you work though anything from the past?